By Clark, Ryan, Bargar and Matt

One day the sun was shining and super fucked up at the same time.

Little Chilly Brogreggius was hurting and sad and about to get hit by a car.

He was sad because he had a crush on this girl in his class, but when he asked her out, she laughed at him and then beat him up and took his clothes and hair. And then threw out the clothes and then wove his hair into a sweater and tried to wear it but it was itchy and then she threw that out too. And then Chilly had to leave the school in disgrace, and then he got hit by a car. Which is what is happening now.

The car was driven by a wonderful man. So wonderful that he never wanted to stop driving just to make his car feel like a special beautiful woman. He would love this car as he loved all of his multitude of wives. His garage was vast and he would spend days living in it, spending a night inside each car, never sleeping and always humming. He was a lonely man admittedly but he had a lot of heart. He collected bags of used staples and like to think they were used to staple important documents.

The staples knew they weren’t used on important documents, of course. Nonetheless, they were happy staples. Worldly staples. Staples. At times they wondered why they existed. How did they come to be owned by this wonderful man? What was their purpose? And had they fulfilled it? These questions hurt to think about, and so they didn’t. Instead, they stapled. They stapled papers. Documents. Folders. People. People!?!?!?

Mr. Staple kept driving, and time passed. He had a son and his son became a father and then a grandfather and then he died and his grandson became a grandfather himself. On his deathbed, his grandson came in and told him a wonderful story of an ancestor wise in the way of the gloried staple, and the grandfather smiled, said goodbye and closed his eyes for the last time. The grandson, Little Boy Staples Junior Junior, cried one tear, and like a dog without a bone or an alcoholic with only half a pint of mouthwash left, he sadly walked home alone.

The End

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